There are several things on my mind now, the first being, “life is but a dream”, you know the song by The Harptones? The second thing is my hair, and the complex relationship I have had with it for some time. One thought fills me with optimism. The other with sadness and grief. So how do I choose what to write about? Which thought do I lean into?

You see, that is the thing. My choice will determine or at least contribute to the emotions that will ultimately affect my mood. I never want to sink into my sadness, mostly because I have seen how habitual sadness can strangle life out of the most well-intended. Additionally, as a Black woman, I am expected to be strong by virtue of my identity.

I would choose to explore what will keep me upbeat. But am I avoiding? The answer is yes; I am avoiding. There it is! I do not like to feel.

Yikes! In attempting to understand my own thought process, I inadvertently initiated a tower moment. I did not see that coming. Crash, thud, bang, here we go again. “You’re running, and you’re running, and you’re running away, but you can’t run away from yourself”, as Mr. Marley said.

Being a woman is hard. Being a Black woman or an Afro indigenous woman turns hard into damn near impossible. Being a dark-skinned, unattractive Black/Afro indigenous woman, well, don’t even bother.
Don’t bother? Yes, don’t bother! Your existence is unimportant, unwanted, and unnecessary, is the consistent message. Thanks to the old programming of Western culture and its famed race ranking system. Beyond the ranking system, there are also the impossible beauty standards and the association of beauty with worth.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, true; however, when the beholders seem to all agree that you are not beautiful, what do you do? Well, I can tell you what I did!

I became tough! People think twice about what they say to you when they know that their consequence is likely to be swift and painful. The other thing I did was sexualize myself because no matter how ugly you are, if you are sexy, someone will always want you. Thus began my, as I stated earlier, complex relationship with my hair.

Initially, my hair and its varying colors and styles were my personal form of self-expression. With one box of relaxer, I could turn my unmanageable coily hair into bone-straight tresses. Then, I could, with some glue and extensions, turn myself into an exotic. I could adapt the styles and presentation of women around the world. How exciting!

It was magical being able to shapeshift without a wand or incantation. Brush, bibbidi, comb, bobbidi, styling products of choice, boo! One Cinderella coming up! Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo

So, when did it turn for me? After all, what I described does not sound so bad. People around the world use hair and makeup to polish their look.

Now, in my forties, the truth has settled in quietly but firmly: I have come to feel unworthy without the mask. Afraid of stares that could be admiration but quickly dismissed as judgment for fear of being seen. Not even the safety net of a youthful body and face to fall back on. I must face myself. To learn how to love myself as I am.

I have entered into a new phase, one that feels less like performance and more like prophecy. I am determined to love all of me. I have embarked upon a new hair journey: micro locs. I am not quite ready to expose my messy, thin, short, microbraids that have yet to bud, in all their Cynthia doll realness. However, I am excited to get to know myself better in the process and to be seen as my authentic self.

Because “life is but a dream,” and I choose to dream in my own image. No wand, no mask, just me.

“Will you take part in
My life
My love
That is my dream (Life is but a dream)”

This blog post contains brief lyrical references used for commentary and reflection purposes only. All rights to the original lyrics and compositions are retained by their respective copyright holders:

• “Running Away” written and performed by Bob Marley
• “Life Is But a Dream” written by Raoul Cita and performed by The Harptones
• “I Am Not My Hair” – written by India.Arie and Drew Ramsey, performed by India.Arie
• “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” – written by Al Hoffman, Mack David, and Jerry Livingston; featured in Disney’s Cinderella (1950)

These references are included under fair use for the purpose of cultural commentary and personal narrative. No ownership or affiliation is claimed.